The bridge I crossed
The Thirteenth
Wandering the streets of Nagoya as an orphan was difficult, especially when it was winter. There was a shortage of food, always, and no matter how hard I try to remember, I can never recollect a time of contentment in my childhood. Always that of hunger.
I don't remember the man, but I remember his clothes--dark, dark, dark colors except for this splash of color on a card he was carrying. He opened the door to his shop, ushered me in, shoved a cup of steaming milk in my direction and left the card on the table.
Orange. I learned the name a year later in the orphanage.
In the orphanage, my stomach was full, but I was still hungry. And when one day, the orphanage burned down, I remember standing outside, watching it burn down in the snow, and thinking, Warm.
Orange. I said the name a week later in Zabuza's apartment.
Haku had smiled, shook his head, and said in his sweet, sweet voice, Red.
It's both, Zabuza said. And now, no matter how hard I try, I can't remember what we were talking about.
When I was fourteen, I heard a gun shot, and from my place behind the bar, I saw a body drop, making a dull thud on the empty dance floor. Go upstairs, Zabuza said, catching my eye. I obeyed, and locked the door behind me, not letting Haku go down to see what the noise was all about.
No. I said the word three weeks later in court and saw Haku's eyes glaze over with tears.
Guilty, a man with a dark suit and a tie with dull blue and orange stripes read from a piece of paper. Guilty as charged, he said, and next to me, Haku crumbled, making small, desperate noises in the back of his throat.
*
My skin felt blistered, as if I'd gotten too close to the sun, my lips buzzing as if I'd just run through a thunder storm. I was so hot, so incredibly hot, my body was burning up from it all, and then I was being lifted and lowered again. The cold hit me, like a blunt force, knocking the breath out from my lungs and wracking my body. Water. Cold, cold water.
I was shivering, burning up, in pain, and I wanted to scream, god I wanted to scream, but only silence in the room, interrupted by the occasional murmur of a stranger.
"It's okay, Naruto," a voice was saying, and it was Iruka, his hand supporting the back of my head and neck. I felt his lips press into my hair. "I'm right here."
I woke up to small, whimpering noises and a lump in the back of my throat. When a cloth came to wipe the wetness off my face, I realized with a start that the sounds were coming from me. As I drifted back to sleep, feeling the chill of a hand on my forehead, I remembered that even then Haku had been silent. He crumbled, but he had been silent.
*
When I was fifteen, getting dressed against the chill in the winter weather, I saw Haku come into the room with a small mug of tea.
Love. He said the word quietly and bounded it on both sides with "I" and "him." Who, I asked, and he said, quietly, Him.
Animal. I said the word loudly and bounded it on all sides with words that I didn't know I knew. I saw him cringe, felt elated, and walked out of the house to repeat the same words to Zabuza.
Love. Zabuza said it slowly, tasting it, and shook his head. Idiot, he added, and not knowing that he wasn't referring to me, I said the words I said to Haku.
A year later--a long, long, long year with only the silence and the chill of the apartment as my companions--I watched Haku pack my bags for me.
He spoke again after a year of silence. Leave.
And I left, carrying with me my new name. Bridge-burner, Zabuza said against the click of the front-door.
*
I woke up with an apology on my lips, and heard a familiar voice say, It's not your fault.
There was a feather-soft touch on my arm, and then again on my neck. Finally, a hand against my cheek, calloused and so familiar it was like a brand against my skin. "Naruto."
Sasuke.
So sorry, I said again. So sorry, Haku. I'm in love too.
*
I met Kiba and Shikamaru in college, at sixteen. We were all younger than everyone else, so we gravitated towards each other, despite Kiba's wealth and charm, Shikamaru's intelligence and silences, and my secrets.
By the time I had decided to confide in them, it was already junior year undergrad.
Love, Shikamaru had said and shook his head. You idiot.
When Kiba needed to read his girlfriend a poem on Valentine's Day, I gave him a name. Rainer Maria Rilke. He woke me up that night, a grin on his face, the smell of sex clinging to his shirt, whispering in my ear, Abandon entoure d'abandon.
Shut up, I had said, and he said, Tendresse touchant aux tendresses. When I swatted at him to go away, take his filthy sex-smell at least two feet away from me, I heard from the other side of the room, Se caresse, dirait-on. Dirait-on.*
*
I woke up with poetry on the back of my mind and heard soft chirping and waves. "Where--"
"Still Jixi, you nitwit," said one voice. Against the rush in my ear, I couldn't tell who.
"Amen to that," another quieter voice.
"The still Jixi part? Or the nitwit part?"
"The nitwit part."
"Oh. Got confused, sorry."
"You always do."
"Are you implying that--"
"Kib--"
"Right here, buddy." A hand in mine, strong, callused fingers. "Right here."
"TV." My voice hurt, but the volume was too high. "Turn it off."
"There isn't a TV here, Naruto. You're still sick, that's all." The bed moved, and a hand rested against my cheek. Shikamaru.
"Oh. Shikam--"
"Shut up. You talk too much."
"Let the man speak, Shikamaru."
"He's sick, you nincompoop."
"Right. Sorry."
*
"Time?" I struggled to sit up, and felt hands easing me against a pillow.
"It's noon," Kiba said. I blinked to clear my vision and saw his features slowly take shape. "Hungry?"
"Yeah."
"Your stomach was growling," Shikamaru said, walking towards me with a plate of something steaming. The sight made my mouth water, and I held out my hands.
"The food here is really good," Kiba explained, taking the plate from Shikamaru and motioning for me to put my hands down. He took a spoonful and held it out for me. "Say ah."
I frowned, "I can do that myself."
"Shut up. Say ah."
"I can't do both," I complained, and opened my mouth wide for Kiba to feed me. I couldn't tell what the food was, but whatever the case, it was good. It reminded me of tastes that I'd ignored for the past several months. Time passed as Kiba fed me and Shikamaru watched with a small smile on his face. "Did Tsunade fire me yet?"
"No," Kiba explained. "But I think you won't be able to take any sick days for the next three years."
"Stop exaggerating, and tell me the truth, Kiba," I said around a mouthful. He held up the glass for me, and I took it, surprised at how heavy it weighed. I held it still for a moment--or tried to--and saw the water shake.
"I'm not exaggerating," he said, putting down the cup on a bedside table after I handed it back to him. "You've been out for god knows how long."
"Almost a week and a half," Shikamaru supplemented with a lazy stretch. "I got sleepy watching you sleep all the time."
"Oh." I felt slightly alarmed. I had said goodbye to Lee, sent him off to talk to the guests, returned to my room, and then...I had fallen asleep again, and lost all that time--
"Not a coma, though," Kiba continued, holding up another spoonful for me. "You were awake the entire time. Just too weak to do anything about it. Really weak."
"Which is normal," Shikamaru said, standing up. "It's the after-effect of your coma earlier. Probably because you went right back to work and then traveled without any break.
"Orochimaru says it's mental exhaustion," Kiba cut in. "Your body's getting used to functioning on normal doses of sleep, instead of week-long naps. Now ah."
I opened my mouth again and slowly began to chew. So. "But why am I here still? Why not home?"
"Wazuka wouldn't hear of it," Shikamaru explained sitting down on the bed next to me. He pressed his hand to my forehead. "What have you gotten yourself into now, Naruto?"
I sighed and leaned back, shaking my head when Kiba held up another spoon. "How was the wedding?"
"It didn't happen," Kiba said quickly. "Postponed."
"Bad luck," Shikamaru said, "When a guest gets really sick during a wedding. The Shinto priest wanted it called off till a better time."
I felt my mind go blank at the news. Which meant I still had to sit through it. "Oh."
"Exactly," Kiba said, and shoved in another spoonful in my open mouth. "Chew."
I obeyed, feeling more and more alarmed. "Enough of that," Shikamaru said, drawing back. "Sleep."
I shook my head and looked longingly at the bathroom door. "You're not strong enough, Naruto," Shikamaru said.
"I am. I just want a shower, please? I stink."
Kiba looked at Shikamaru for a second, and then nodded slowly. "Keep the door open. We'll send in the nurse."
"I have a nurse?"
"Yes, you do. Uchiha actually ordered an entire staff into the compounds." Shikamaru said, standing up. "He had a lab built overnight within the mansion for you. So they could conduct a polysomnogram."
He held out his hand, and I took it, getting unsteadily to my feet. My legs felt strange, but after a few seconds of standing still, I began to feel more comfortable and let Shikamaru slowly walk me to the bathroom. "A what?"
"A sleep test thing," Kiba said, coming around to support my other side. "They hooked up stuff to your head and chest and your legs and watched for an entire night. They did that a couple times. Kind of hi-tech, actually. "
Shikamaru left me at the door of the bathroom, and left with Kiba with the promise that I wouldn't spend too much time in the shower. I promised him that I wouldn't, and went inside to find that there was a beautiful marble tub that was removed from the shower. I glanced between the two, and making my decision, began a bubble bath.
And besides, I told myself, as I put in the jasmine spa treatment I had found in a closet, I would rather take a bubble bath than have a nurse bathe me. I took off my clothes and slipped in, turning off the faucet with my feet. I took a small breath, ducked under water, and came back up with enough soap in my hair for a good rinse. As I worked the soap into my hair with my eyes closed, I realized with a start that I could be coming down with something.
Cancer? A brain tumor? "Don't panic," I said aloud, and leaned my head back against the cool tile. "Do not panic."
I could be dying, and here I was taking a bubble bath. Maybe Kiba and Shikamaru didn't tell me so that I wouldn't panic like this. But I couldn't die. I was too young, with too many unreseolved problems, and darn it, I barely even started my career. I rubbed at my face, wiping away the soap around my eyes so that I could take a good look at my surroundings. God only knew that I might drop down dead in the bath at this very minute.
When I actually opened my eyes, I met the gaze of a blushing, young nurse who looked hurriedly at her toes. "I was sent here to help you...erm...help you...take a shower."
"That's all right, I'm fine by myself," I said, feeling a blush coming to my face. So I was to die in a tub with a blushing nurse two feet away. Could this get any worse?
"I'm not allowed to not help you, Mr. Uzumak--"
"I don't need any help at the moment. Please, I need some privacy."
The nurse looked stunned, opened her mouth to say something, but closed it again. She nodded her head once and left, closing the door with a small click. Outside, I heard someone--Kiba, probably--talking with the nurse, and looked away from the door. No doubt, in a few seconds, he would come in and force the blushing nurse to bathe me while he watched. My death, I realized, would not be dignified under any definition.
Sighing, I stared at the shadow of my hands underneath the water and moved them back and forth. It was a big tub, I realized. Big enough for two. Or three. I was distracted, and with each ripple that I created, my panic began to lessen. So if I was dying, at least it would be in a big tub, in Jixi, China. But where was Iruka? I wanted him close by for this, if something did happen--
The door opened, as predicted, and without looking up, I mumbled, "I don't need a nurse, Kiba. Seriously. I'm fin--"
"Stop being ridiculous, Naruto." My head snapped at the voice and saw Sasuke looking slightly bedraggled, as if he had been running outside.
"I don't need a nur--What are you doing in here? Can't a man have his priva--what are you doing?" My voice ended in something of a squeak when Sasuke sat down on the edge of the tub and began taking off his jacket.
"This is my house," he said through his teeth, rolling up his sleeves. He loosened his tie and sighing once, plunged his hand into the tub where my feet were. I pulled my feet towards my chest and watched him warily. A second later, I heard a distant pop, and the water began to drain.
"I do what I want," Sasuke said, pulling back up again. He held out his hand for me to take and when I shook my head, he rolled his eyes. "You're being stupid."
"And you're being perverted," I snapped back. Sasuke narrowed his eyes.
"I thought we established that you didn't want me to try anything like that."
"Yes, but you still are."
"I'm only making sure that one of my guests won't die on my property."
My mind clicked. "So I'm dying."
Sasuke went perfectly still, and I saw the little color in his face begin to drain. I shivered as cold air touched my skin. The water had completely drained by now. He pulled back as if I had slapped him, and I saw something in his eyes flutter shut. "It's only a guess, Sasuke," I said. "I mean, nobody's told me yet or anything. It's just that I think that since I keep sleeping for weeks on end, I might be, you know, dying. Nobody's said it for sure. It's just me--"
"You're not dying."
"I'm not?"
"Are you?" Sasuke leaned forward, adamant now.
"I don't know."
"Then what do you know, dead-last?"
I bristled. "I want a shower."
Sasuke's eyes moved away from my face and down my body. I shivered under his gaze and turned away. "Fine," he said, sitting back. "I'll send in the nurse."
"No!"
"Then you can't have a shower," he explained, standing up and picking up his jacket.
"Oh, stop being so childish and get me a towel," I snapped. Sasuke moved slowly and when he gave me the towel, he watched me tie it around my waist. Stepping out of the tub carefully, I began walking to the shower. The second step I took, sent a dazzle of bright, black spots to go off in my vision. My knees almost buckled, but there was his hand against the small of my back, his breath a little too close to my skin.
"Naruto--"
"I don't care what you do," I said, shrugging off his grip, careful to make my voice steady. "You can stay here and watch over me, or you can have the nurse come in. Either way, I'm going to take a shower. Alone. By myself."
I walked in, shut the glass door behind me and took off my towel to throw it over the door. On the other side, Sasuke's silhouette was slightly blurred, but I could still details. Which meant he could see me. Rolling my eyes, I turned my back to him and turned on the water, letting it run hot for a moment to let the glass fog up.
I didn't hear the door click or anything, but two minutes later, when I looked over to where Sasuke had been, there was no one. Startled, I opened the door a little and stuck my head out to see if the nurse had taken vigil in place of Sasuke. The bathroom was empty, and I was about to close the door and return to my shower when Sasuke walked back in, shirtless. I swallowed a scream, and quickly shut the door, feeling the blood rush from my head at the sudden movement.
"Don't flatter yourself," Sasuke said, and I heard the tap turn on. "I called for a new shirt. I have soap all over myself now."
I watched through the glass as Sasuke picked up something (a towel?) and ran it under the water. He began wiping himself off, starting with his hand, but stopped and turned to look straight at me.
"I came here to tell you," he said, choosing his words carefully, "That Sakura called off the wedding."
"I heard from Kiba," I said, "That it was postponed for a better time. Sorry for ruining your--"
"You heard that it was postponed. I'm telling you that Sakura just called it off."
I let the water massage my body and considered what he said. There were black spots in my vision again, and to steady myself, I placed a palm firmly against the cool, cool marble. "There's a difference, Naruto," Sasuke said, and I could picture him rolling his eyes.
"Yes, I realize. I just woke up from slumbering a few days, so please excuse me if I'm a little slow." My voice cracked on the last word.
"Nine days," Sasuke corrected quickly.
"Not like anyone's counting." He fell silent at my comment, giving me time to consider what he had said. Sakura had called off the wedding, he had said. Wasn't that the same as postponing it until a better time? I was failing to see the difference. So, "Called off as in..."
"She doesn't want to marry me anymore," Sasuke supplemented. I heard the flow of water from the sink slow, and then come to a halt. I mimicked him, and turned off the faucet for the shower.
When I began to dry myself, I felt my muscles strain at every move. What was I supposed to say? 'I'm sorry'? "Who does she want to marry, then?"
"I don't know." He paused for a beat, and then added, "I thought you might be able to tell me."
"That's why you're here?"
"Yeah."
He could be lying, I told myself, tying the towel around my waist. I traced my tattoo with my finger, and watched as my stomach rose and fell slightly with each breath. "I wouldn't know," I said, opening the shower door. It made a strangely eery sound against the silence in the bathroom, and when I went to stand next to Sasuke and look at myself, I winced.
I looked...smoothed. Almost. I moved my arm up and down and felt my body twinging. I used to have muscles. Now, I was just soft, soft everywhere without any definition in my muscles. Maybe I should have rested more before going back to work after waking up from the coma, maybe I should have...I leaned towards my reflection, resting my hand against the sink. My eyes were still not completely blue yet.
"Narcissistic, much?"
I glared at Sasuke's slightly amused expression in the mirror. "Shut up. My eyes are still weird."
"I have a team looking into that."
"A team?" He didn't answer me so I walked back into the bedroom. He followed closely behind, not bothering to keep much of a distance between us anymore. When I went towards the bed to pick up a spare change of clothes that someone laid out, he sat down, still shirtless, and watched me walk back into the bathroom. I strained my eyes away from his body and when I looked at him, it was only at his eyes.
"Do they have an answer yet?" I asked, walking back into the room, clothed in a comfortable yukata and drying my hair. Maybe I was--
"No." He looked angry. "You'd think they would. I just got another team working on it in mainland Japan. They're just as lost."
I heaved a sigh and picked up the unfinished bowl of food that Kiba had left on the bedside table. Teams. He was hiring teams for me. And how much was that costing him exactly? Not to mention the lab he got built in the mansion. I took a spoonful, decided that it was still edible despite being lukewarm, and sat down to finish my lunch.
"The good news," I said, after swallowing, "Is that I still have a job."
"Surprise, surprise." Sasuke shifted so that he was leaning against the headboard. His muscles were taught under his skin, almost as if he was holding his breath. Or maybe he was just really, really fit.
I shot him a glare over the rim of my bowl. "There's no need to be so sarcastic, you know."
"I guess." He looked straight at me, his lips pressed into a thin frown.
"You want to tell me what happened?"
"No." I wrinkled my nose at his answer and moved to put the now empty bowl on the table. I was feeling better after the food, but I didn't want to overdo it. There was still the problem with my eyes, and of course, the occasional burst of black spots.
"Scooch."
Surprisingly, he obeyed, and I took hold of my place on the bed again, curling under the warmth of the covers. "Tell me what happened," I mumbled into the pillow. It was still warm where Sasuke had pressed into it, but it didn't smell like him. Not yet.
Sasuke was silent, and I had to repeat the command again before he obliged. "Ma didn't want to send you back home, so we had your friends come over. Hinata apparently knows them. The priest wanted it postponed because you were sick and still in the house."
"Oh." I shifted again, and a few seconds later, felt him move as well onto his side, moving down the headboard and onto the pillows. We were facing each other now, settled close to each other on the bed, sharing each other's warmth.
"I got news that you were feeling well, and then Sakura walked in. I thought she wanted to talk about the wedding date, but then she sat down and told me that she didn't want to marry me anymore."
I pulled off the covers and raised my head a little to glare at him. He was leaning into the pillows, a look on his face that was as close to lazy as I had ever seen. "That can't be the end of it. Was she crying? She must have said something more than that."
"She wasn't crying. I guess she was close to tears," Sasuke admitted, meeting my gaze. I lowered my head again and pillowed it on my hand.
"Please don't tell me I ruined your wedding," I groaned.
"You didn't. You were asleep."
I sighed and pulled the covers over my face again. "You visited me, didn't you?" It was a vague memory, a dream at best, but I wanted to know.
He was silent for a long time. "Yes."
So it was him. The idea made me happy, which was ridiculous because really, who wouldn't visit a sick guest in their own home? "I remember you groping me."
"I didn't grope you, dead last."
"Of course you didn't." He was about to say something, but I cut him off. "How did your mother react to the wedding news?"
"She doesn't know yet."
"Well, who does kno--"
I was about to finish my sentence when the door burst open. By the time I had turned around, Lee was already half-way in the room, but froze when Sasuke rose to his full sitting height on the bed. Lee's energy ebbed, and then drained completely, leaving the room silent again. A few seconds later, a servant walked in, presented Sasuke's shirt before closing the door behind her.
Then and only then did Lee clear his throat. "I'm--Naruto, I'm sorry. I didn't know I was interrupting--"
"You weren't interrupting anything, Lee." Sasuke's voice was crisp against Lee's embarrassment. "I was telling Naruto about the wedding. You just heard, I'm guessing."
"Right. Yes, that." Lee looked away from Sasuke's face and met my gaze, something in his eyes that made me slowly get up off the bed. "Naruto, a minute, if you don't mind."
"Sure," I said, glancing over my shoulder at Sasuke's reclining figure before following Lee out the door.
Once outside, Lee's energy returned again, and he grasped me by the shoulders. "First of all, it's great to see you up and about again. Second of all, I was very, very, very worried about you. Third of all, what is Sasuke doing in your room, and could it perhaps be related with my fourth point?"
He paused, taking in a deep breath. I stared at him. "What's your fourth point?"
"Oh, that. My apologies. I forgot telling you in my excitement." He let go of me, and drew another long breath. I was expecting his voice to be loud, but it was barely above a whisper. "The wedding got canceled. Sakura just told me. So far, you, me, Sasuke, and Sakura are the only ones who know. Assuming, of course, Sasuke hasn't told anyone yet either."
I nodded. Old news to me, but there was something off. "There's something you aren't telling me, Lee, isn't there?"
Lee looked around and then took me by the shoulders again. His left hand, once in a cast, was now just a wad of bandages and pressed hard against my arm. "I--While you were sleeping, Sakura and I spent a lot of time together. We became good friends because Sasuke was forced to attend to matters of his business." He paused, and then continued. "Can I hope, Naruto, that Sakura's decision to call off the wedding is an indication that she may be interested in me as more than a friend? Or..."
"Or?"
"Or is it due to you and. Well." He drew back, and looked pointedly at the door of the room.
I smiled at that. "You shouldn't have to worry about that," I said, carefully choosing my words. "Sakura thinks that me and Kakashi are in a relationship--"
"Hatake Kakashi?"
I winced at the volume of Lee's voice. "And she's wrong because there is nothing between me and Kakashi."
"So there's something between you and Sasuke?"
"No," I snapped, and saw one of his eyebrows slowly rise.
"Right." He looked at the room again, unconvinced. He walked in on me and Sasuke sharing a bed, Sasuke shirtless, me in a yukata, talking in hushed whispers.
"Rock Lee, I'm telling you that there isn't an--"
"All right, Naruto. Look, I have to get back to Sakura. We just heard that you were awake and she said that I should go check on you, but I promised I'd be back."
There was so much hope in his smile that I couldn't help but pull him into a hug. Against his ear, I whispered, "Don't give up on her."
Lee hugged back awkwardly with one arm and nodded against my shoulder. "Tsunade's going to kill me. Us both, actually."
I chuckled. "We'll go down fighting."
"I'm with you there." Lee pulled back, gave me one last, lingering look and walked away. I watched him for a minute, and opened the door to my room again. Sasuke was lazily picking up his shirt.
"I have to go. Deal with the," he paused, wrinkling his nose with distaste, "Aftermath."
I ducked my head, waited for him to finish dressing, and walked with him in silence to the door. He stood outside for a moment, and then, "Get some rest, dead last."
I sighed as I closed the door and made my way slowly to the bed, feeling drowsiness coming again. I would take a nap now. There would be no harm done; after all, so much had happened while I was sleeping. It wouldn't bother me much if the same happened again. Once I woke up, I told myself, I would deal with whatever was left of the aftermath.
End of The Thirteenth
Footnotes:
*Rainer Maria Rilke: A famous love poet, he wrote a series called "Les Chansons Des Roses." Here is a link if you are interested.