The bridge I crossed
The Fifteenth
I spent the rest of the week paralyzed by anger with myself and happiness at seeing Lee move around the place with Sakura beside him in utter, untouchable happiness. Avoiding Sasuke was easy enough. But avoiding Wazuka's summonings was another matter entirely.
She insisted on breakfast in the mornings, some of which we spent in pleasurable silence, and the others in the company of her relatives. I was introduced, with good humor, as the only journalist in the entire Uchiha family--which, apparently, wasn't as big as I thought. Only Sasuke and Wazuka. My son's friend, she said, pointing me out to the members of the Hyuuga Clan. Friend, she tossed out the word, as if it were the truth.
Wazuka eventually taught me mah-jongg. We played every evening, right before we joined everyone else for dinner. "Mah-jongg," she said one day, "Reveals a lot about the player." She felt the face of her tiles before reaching forward for another piece.
I smiled at her, even though she couldn't see me. "What did you find out about me?"
"Sasuke," she said, ignoring my question, "Seems like he has a lot of patience. He doesn't. He's quick-tempered, hot-headed. He plays well, but he doesn't understand what a play implies. If he wants to end the round with something, he'll make sure he gets it. But he doesn't understand that there are consequences to every move, to every play."
She was silent, considering her tiles with her small, thin fingers before reaching forward and putting one face up on the desk. I'd been hoping for another, so I picked a new one, frowning when I saw that it didn't benefit me at all either.
"You are so unlike him," she said suddenly, "The opposite." I looked up at her, curious at what she had to say about me, but she didn't finish her sentence. We finished the round, Wazuka leading by a wide margin. "Let's take a walk," she said, getting up.
I moved to help her, and together, we made our way to her private garden. It was a large space, with a stream full of koi fishes. There were three bridges scattered around the space, crossing over the slowly curving stream. Wazuka had apparently ordered the building of the garden, describing in great detail the plants and arrangement of everything. "I enjoy this garden through its sounds and smells," she said as we sat down on one of the benches. "Close your eyes, you'll understand."
I closed my eyes, and took a deep breath in. The stream made soft, trickling noises and, right next to us, the breeze moved some leaves. But that was the extent of what I could sense. "Your mah-jongg game," said Wazuka suddenly, "Seems mindless, reckless, even."
I laughed at that. It was an accurate description of me, for sure--"But you weigh each move you make so carefully," Wazuka continued. "You think, If I do this, what will happen two rounds from now? You think about each move individually and against every other move you'll make. You understand that each one of your moves has a consequence that must be dealt with. You worry so much because you always think, I'm going to do something wrong."
I considered her face, beautiful still in her age. "My son," she went on, "doesn't understand this about you."
I looked towards a setting of flowers a few feet away from us. She was blind, so how had she designed all this? It was one of the most beautiful places I'd ever been in. Finally, I said under my breath. "He never wanted to understand me."
She was silent for a long time. We didn't talk for the rest of the time, and when her servant came to summon us for dinner, she stood up heavily. I walked with her back to the dining room, where everyone--a small group of people that Wazuka enjoyed spending time with--was waiting for her arrival.
Sasuke and Neji were talking about something in hushed voices, Sasuke gesturing a little angrily. Hinata and Sakura were talking with Lee--about wedding plans, I could guess easily enough. Kiba and a woman with long, blonde hair were laughing about something while Shikamaru looked murderous. Kakashi was turned towards Iruka, leaning in to close the gap between them just so, a lopsided smile on his face. Iruka was saying something without noticing Kakashi's open stare, and as I walked past them towards the head of the table with Wazuka, I caught a few of his words--skipped classes so often, he was saying.
The conversations slowly eased when Wazuka sat down on the floor. Just as I was about to take my seat by Iruka, further down the table, Wazuka tugged on my yukata sleeve, pulling me down towards her a little. "I don't think my son doesn't want to understand you," she said, patting me on the cheek fondly. So she heard my comment, even given it some thought. "I just don't think he knows how."
*
Iruka pointed at the food on my plate with his chopsticks, frowning. "Finish your food, mister." He was about to say something else when Kakashi muttered something in his ear, and Iruka's turned his face quickly back to face Kakashi, his hair almost like a whip at the movement. "You--stop that!"
I growled and pushed the food around a bit before I took a bite, reluctant. I'd always liked to eat, but now, I could barely sit through a meal. I looked around the table and caught Sasuke's gaze. He was smirking at me, taunting. He must've caught Iruka's comment.
Wazuka had said he didn't know how, but I knew better now--I looked away from him and back at my food. I knew better than to let my hopes up again. There was only so much disappointment a man could take. "...Naruto? What's wrong?" Iruka again, looking concerned.
"Just not hungry," I lied and pushed my plate away. "And I have to catch up with work."
Iruka's eyes narrowed, thoughtful, and then he nodded. "I'll check on you later."
When I got up, Shikamaru glanced up, eyebrow quirked. I mimed typing in mid-air and mouthed 'work.' Shikamaru made a face and turned back to look at the blonde-haired woman, trying to look uninterested. Next to him, Kiba was busy entertaining Hinata. I grinned: now they couldn't complain about the wedding being a waste of their time anymore.
The next moment, I was outside, sliding the door shut behind me. Work was the only thing that was keeping me sane. I'd become something of an editing machine, handling more than was my due for lead writer. Jiraiya was starting to rely heavily on me as well, sending me all the politically related articles my way. Once he'd realized I still kept in contact with a lot of aides and press secretaries, my inbox had started to spill over with all the national's articles, despite the time zone difference. Maybe Jiraiya was training me in his own back-handed way. Or maybe the nationals editor had packed up her bags and fled the country, leaving me with all her work.
I scowled. Even if there were absolutely no national's articles to edit, Lee barely had any time to work, so I was shouldering his responsibilities as well. I could work on his articles, I decided rounding a corner, get my mind off things, focus on something more productive--
"Holy crap," I flinched away from the hand on my shoulder, nearly toppling backwards, but his hand was there, fisting a handful of my yukata collar, catching my fall. The minute I regained my balance, I slapped his hand away. "Don't jump me like that."
"I said your name twice, Naruto," he muttered, looking a little hurried. We stared at each other for a moment, until Sasuke cleared his throat.
"What?"
"I..." He gestured vaguely. "You left."
I heaved a sigh. This was getting ridiculous. "And so did you, apparently." I turned and started walking towards my room again, fully expecting him to drop the conversation. He didn't, choosing instead to walk with me. He must have been waiting for me to start a conversation because every time I glanced at him, he was looking at me expectantly.
"I have work, Sasuke," I said once we reached my room. I opened the door and stepped inside. He was frozen at the doorstep, looking angry, confused, and then his face was blank again.
"Oh."
"Good night." I slid the door shut, not giving him the chance to say anything else. He must have stayed by the door for an entire minute before he turned on his heels and left.
*
The next day, Eiji came to deliver a few bags to my room. I didn't open them till later that night and saw that Sasuke had sent over the souvenirs I'd bought during my last visit. The sea shells we gathered were nowhere in sight.
Bristling--he probably trashed them, that idiot--I shoved the bags aside and stormed out of my room, pushing up my sleeves to give him a trashing. Only to run across Orochimaru. It was his usual check-up on me, since my eyes were still tinged red. He usually reported on what he had found out with Iruka hovering protectively over me. But today, he caught me alone.
"It's your melanin levels," Orochimaru said. "They're changing."
"What?" I'd broken to Orochimaru the news of my lack of interest, which he accepted with good humor. But that still didn't make me any less nervous. There was something about him--even Iruka felt the same uneasiness.
"Melanin," Orochimaru said. "It's the stuff that gives animals color. Skin, scales, hair, eyes."
"Oh." I had never been a good science student, but for once, the details were interesting me. "Is it normal for the stuff to change?"
"No, actually. I mean, the color of a baby's eyes change because newborns have yet to develop melanin. As they get older, that changes." Orochimaru's pace was slow and steady, and I found myself staring up at him unable to believe, yet again, that he was as old as Wazuka or Tsunade or Jiraiya. "It's actually very, very rare that adults go through a change in eye-color."
Around us, the air had stilled in the quiet of the night. "I'm not a specialist, but I do know the basics. Melanin levels can change if you're taking any medication, which you said you weren't. How do I explain this to you..." He trailed off for a moment, and we walked in silence. "All right. Have you ever seen the eyes of an albino?"
"They're red?"
"Actually, no they're not genuinely red. That's just a myth, but when photographed or videotaped, they tend to have reddish eyes. In fact, most of the time during they day, they look like they have reddish eyes," Orochimaru explained, warming to the subject. "It's a reflection of the light. The reason they look like they have red eyes is because they don't have this enzyme called tyrosinase. It essentially lets the melanin work. Without it, your melanin levels are low, so when the light reflects off your eyes, it looks reddish."
Orochimaru took a pause. "So I'm not dying," I joked and watched as Orochimaru smiled.
"No. You're not. See, that kind of an abnormality occurs because of a genetic disorder. Not...randomly as it is in your case."
"Maybe my body just realized that it's albino," I suggested. Orochimaru laughed and shook his head.
"You were a horrible biology student, weren't you?"
I cracked a grin. "How did you guess?"
"Dumb luck," Orochimaru responded. "Well. The team can't dig up anything else. Genetic counselors, ophthalmologists, and the like." We reached Wazuka's room by the time I remembered what I originally set out to do--trash the Uchiha.
"It might just be that under a lot of stress, your body backfired and stopped producing tyrosinase. Or maybe your own immune system started to block the enzyme. It's happened before in other instances, but very rarely. Most doctors actually consider those cases myths based on poorly done observation. But you never know."
"So I'm not alien either?"
"No, you're not alien." Orochimaru stopped and turned to look at me. "Just a person under a lot of stress, most likely."
"Well, go figure," I muttered, looking away from him. I was under stress, but it wasn't the kind that had me tearing out my hair. Just a constant, never-ending frustration at my situation, and no matter how many times Iruka hugged me, Shikamaru patted me on the shoulder or Kiba cracked his jokes, it would not go away.
"It's not threatening, not under any circumstance," Orochimaru continued. "Your vitals are steady, your cbc is normal, your glucose levels are fine, normal EKG, everything is okay. You're healthy. Your eyes are just changing color, that's all."
"Any prescriptions?" I looked back and caught Orochimaru's sigh.
"Actually, no. Just, tell me immediately if your skin starts to become pale or your hair starts to lose its color. Otherwise...just get some rest." I made a face, so Orochimaru added a little more emphatically, "A lot of it."
"All right, all right," I said, relenting. He smiled once, and then indicated Wazuka's door. "You going in?"
"Actually, no," I said, and jerked a thumb over my shoulder. "Took a wrong turn." I was going to talk some sense into Sasuke, but now the idea was losing all appeal in my eyes. Better to avoid him, better to set the boundaries before I got even more involved.
"All right then. Night, Naruto," he said. It was strange, I thought to myself as I watched him slip into Wazuka's room, how we were able to move on as if we had never, ever been attracted to each other. But it was just as well. I'd met Orochimaru because of Sasuke. Anything and everything that had even a tiniest relationship with Sasuke never ended well.
Feeling a little lost, I headed towards my room again, back at square one.
*
The next morning, I spent hours writing and rewriting the article for Page 3, and in the end, reluctantly went to Lee for help. The Entertainment section's editor had written back, asking for a 900 word article. I could barely write the lede.*
"I'm so sorry, Lee," I repeated, pacing back and forth in his room that was now littered with presents and haori-hakamas. "It's supposed to be your wedding and here I am barging in because I absolutely suck as a writer and can't get a good, coherent sentence down without having an aneurysm in the process and dying before the next good, coherent sentence can come out, and there is no way I can make this up to you but Tsunade's after me and I'm hitting a dead-end and Jiraiya wants me to look over something else and--"
"Naruto, Naruto!" Lee grabbed me by the shoulder using one of his hands. He smiled. "What else are friends for?" He said, mimicking one of my earlier one-liners to him.
"Definitely not for ruining the night before a wedding reception," I mumbled under my breath.
Lee laughed at my comment and returned to where I had planted the laptop on his bed. He glanced at the beginnings and tapped the edge of the keyboard thoughtfully. "I'll get a skeleton done, and then you can flesh it out. How about that?"
"Thank you so much!" I bounced onto the bed giving him one of the best smiles I could conjure. "That's more than enough."
"With one condition," Lee said, starting to type already. "I want to be uncredited."
"No," I said, immediately. It was common for writers to request anonymity but I'd never been comfortable with it. Why not take credit where it was due?
"I'm the one who ruined the marriage," Lee explained. "It would be awkward for me to be one of the writers, Naruto."
"I guess," I mumbled under my breath. "But I'm still telling Jiraiya and Tsunade."
"Fine by me." Lee went back to working with such concentration that I felt awkward and out of place. So I did the only thing I could do: wander. His room had been accosted by relatives, all showering him with gifts. There was a stand-alone cloths rack that had several kimonos hanging from hangers. I fingered each one, marveling at the quality and abundance. One, a white kimono with blue and gold markings of a dragon-like animal caught my eye and I pulled it out.
"You can try it on, you know. It's yours," Lee said. He had paused typing and was looking at me. "I'm supposed to present the groomsmen with an outfit anyways, and I got that." He stopped, blushed, and amended, "Well, Sakura did. Something along the lines of white and blue being your color. And gold."
"Well, I'll wait till the reception," I said, about to put it back.
"No, no. You should try it on now. If it doesn't work, I'll have to send for another one. I'll finish this up."
I sighed and took the kimono into the bathroom to change. Inside, there was a large, large mirror, and I stared at myself, leaning over the sink a little to put my face close to the glass. My eyes were not so...red anymore. There was a hint of blue coming back, which Orochimaru pointed out yesterday. I breathed a sigh of relief and began to dress, scowling at how complicated a kimono was. Even the ones tailored for men.
When I came out, Lee was bent over, still typing. When I coughed to get his attention, he looked up and a brilliant smile lit up. "You look great," he said. "But don't go by me. I'm a horrible dresser." I looked down at my feet and saw that the kimono was pooling.
"It might be a little too...big," I said. I hadn't bothered to look at myself in the mirror, still unnerved by my eyes and my suddenly thin body. I was used to being well-built; now, I was entirely without definition.
"You should check by Sakura," Lee said, brightening all of a sudden. "Let's go."
He got up and began to push me towards the door. "Lee, no, seriously. It's not necessary. We shouldn't dist--"
"Oh, come on," Lee said opening the door and manhandling me outside with his one hand. I stumbled outside, looking at him pleadingly. "This is a good excuse for me to catch Sakura before the reception," he explained, dragging me alongside.
I was about to try another protest when we took a turn and almost ran into Kakashi and Sasuke talking in low, hushed voices. Sasuke's eyes landed squarely on my face and stayed there for a while before he turned to Lee, ignoring me completely. "Lee."
"Uchiha. Kakashi," Lee said, still smiling. "I was just taking Naruto here to Sakura so she could give her approval for the kimono. What do you think?"
"Beautiful, as always," Kakashi said, winking at me. I smiled at him.
"Don't flirt, Kakashi." Lee let go of my hand, and I smoothed down the hem of the sleeve where he had held me.
"It's worthwhile, though," Kakashi said. There was a gleam in his eyes that made me grin.
"It won't get you anywhere this time."
"Oh?" He feigned shock and mild surprise. "So my luck ran out?"
"So it seems," I said, not paying attention to Sasuke. I felt bad excluding him from the conversation, for flirting so openly with Kakashi in front of him. But--and I admitted this a little guiltily--only a little. "Anyways, Kakashi. How's your concentration coming?"
"Oh hither and thither," Kakashi said, waving his hand in the air. "Still very distracted. But, I was wondering if you could help me along. You know..."
"Oh my god, if this is about Iru--"
"Let me escort you to Sakura's place," Kakashi said, taking me by the elbow. "Lee, if you don't mind."
"No problem," Lee said, falling back in step with Sasuke.
The four of us made our way down to Sakura, and behind me, I heard Lee ask, "Were you going to meet Sakura as well?"
"Yes," Sasuke said, and after a slight pause, "To check on her on mother's behalf."
"Pre-wedding anxiety," Kakashi supplemented, turning his head slightly so that he was addressing all four of us and not just me.
"Tell me about it," Lee muttered, and Kakashi shot him a smile.
"Oh, don't worry, Lee," Kakashi assured him, "You'll be fine."
I pulled Kakashi closer so I could whisper to him, "Is this about Iruka? Because if it is, I'm not going to help you. At all."
"Why not?" He looked mildly hurt. Then, "Is he..."
"I don't know," I hissed, still not letting go of his arm. He was slightly bent over so I could speak into his ear. "He's dating Anko."
"I knew her, a while back," Kakashi muttered, thoughtful.
"Yes, see? Her." Kakashi looked oddly disappointed. "Oh my god, you have a big fat crush on Iruka," I groaned. "That's so gross." He didn't say anything so I stood on my toes a little to say, "But I guess if you just confess your undying love, maybe you'll win his heart or something..."
Kakashi scoffed. "Well, there's got to be sex in there somewhere, but you got it about right."
I chuckled and punched him in the shoulder. "You always this perverted?"
"Of course I am," Kakashi said, looking surprised that I even asked. "I'm a good-looking thirty-six year old man with a lot of money."
"Modesty, much?"
Kakashi leaned down to whisper in my ear, breath hot against my skin, "What kind of a person did you think I was?"
I shivered--he's interested in Iruka, a small voice whined, sounding panicked at this situation--"Someone very good in bed," I breathed out more to myself than to Kakashi, but he caught it.
Kakashi drew back with a laugh. "So you did like our little sex-fest," he said, a little too loudly. "I was starting to wonder. You never called back."
I flushed, and looked over my shoulder to see if the other two had heard. Lee grinned. "So Tsunade was right, then?"
They heard. "That witch knows a little too much about my love-life."
"She has connections," Lee said, patting me on the shoulder from behind.
"Where does she have those connections? In my bedroom?"
"I think I might have slipped and said something," Kakashi said thoughtfully. "About spending the night at your place."
"You...you snake! Who else did you tell?" I grabbed Kakashi by the shirt and forced him to face me.
"Well, let's see," Kakashi said, looking away into the distance. "I think I might have sent a company-wide memo a few hours after the fact.." Kakashi trailed off, laughing when Lee started to snigger. "Oh, come on, Naruto," Kakashi said, putting his arm around my shoulder. "Trust me a little, okay."
I grumbled under my breath and pushed him away. "Fine, fine. Let's just get this over with. I want to change into something less..." I lifted my hand and watched the billowing sleeve trickle down in one slide, "Extravagant."
We walked for a few more minutes before rounding a corner and entering a separated area with the typical garden and door to a room. There was laughter coming from inside, most distinctively female laughter, and I could see the bright, welcoming orange glow of fire. When the servant announced our entrance, a few girls shrieked and then all was silent. We walked in, Kakashi leading the way, Lee close behind, and me and Sasuke together.
"Oh, Naruto!" Sakura jumped to her feet and came running towards me. "You look stunning. I knew this would look good on you! I mean, Hinata wasn't very sure, but I was. It's perfect!" She made a full-circle around, smoothing out fabric here and there. "It's a little big, but we could get that fixed in no time. Do you like it?"
"Love it," I said, smiling at her. She hugged me, chuckling again in sheer delight.
"Well, girls?" She moved aside for the rest of the room's inhabitants to admire me.
"Well, well, well," said one of the girls--the girl with blonde hair from dinner. "Aren't you a sight for sore eyes?"
"Ino!"
"I'm just saying," the girl--Ino--said. She tossed her hair over her shoulder. "I've heard about you from Shikamaru," she said after a while, standing up to greet me.
"Your name sounds--"
"I gave you the call. When you were interviewing for Uchiha Corps. Remember?"
I blinked at her once, and then twice before recognition dawned on me. "8:30 sharp at his office, right?"
Ino laughed, a genuine smile that lit up her blue eyes into an entirely new shade. She was a beautiful woman, with a confident posture and a dazzling set of earrings that glinted with each turn of her head. "Exactly." She shifted her focus to the others. "Uchiha. Kakashi. And Lee! Come to see your blushing bride?"
"Shut up, pig-head," Sakura said, walking by her and taking Lee by the sleeve. She guided Lee out of the room, scowling once at Ino before firmly shutting the door. Kakashi picked up the conversation just as the door closed.
"We were told," he said, making his way next to Hinata and sitting down. "To check on Lady Bride for any signs of anxiousness. Well?."
There was a general murmur in the room, and then a brunette offerred, "Not one bit. She's ready for the honeymoon, I'd say."
The women in the room laughed at that. Someone else said, "Tea?" Kakashi murmured a "yes, thank you," and to my right, someone stood up with a tray laden with cups. I took a step back, and heard something rip. There was a gasp first, and then I was falling backwards, smack into Sasuke who halted my fall by catching me around my waist and then pulling me to my feet again.
"Oh, god, please," I said, pressing back into Sasuke. "Please, please tell me that I just did not rip the kimono. Please." I felt Sasuke's low rumble of a chuckle behind me, a sound that had me spinning around and moving away from Sasuke at the same time. The kimono twisted around my legs, straining. I wanted to get away from him, and instead, I heard a longer rip and I was falling towards Sasuke again. He caught me again, and this time our faces were close enough for me to feel his breath lapping at my nose. "I think I ripped it this time."
"I think you did, too," Sasuke said, voice low.
"Sakura's going to kill me."
"I think she will, too," Sasuke said again, voice a low, low throaty growl. I shivered at the sound. Sasuke pulled me in just a little closer, and our bodies made contact, and oh--his hand moved down just a fraction, onto the curve of my lower back, pressing hard--I put my hand on his arm and made a weak attempt and pulling away. He immediately let go and I stumbled back, my heart racing and my face flushed.
"Naruto," Kakashi's levelled voice floated out of the silence. "I think you should--"
"What's all the--" Sakura's head peeked in and her eyes widened. "Naruto!" She covered her mouth with her hand, and following her gaze, I looked down and saw that I had ripped a good portion of the kimono on the bottom, exposing up to my ankles.
"Oops?" I laughed guilty and tried to smile at her. "Erm..."
"Oh my god," Sakura said again, coming forward and bending down to examine the tear. "I can't believe you Naruto! How did you do this?"
"He tripped," Sasuke said from behind, and at his voice, Sakura stood up and rounded on us, eying us both down angrily.
"It was a small rip at first," I said, cowering under Sakura's glare. When did she get so intimidating? "But Sasuke made it worse. The jerk made me trip a second time."
"Sasuke?" Ino's voice made me lose my concentration and I turned to stare at her.
"Yes, Sasuke," I asserted. "His fault. Entirely." I inched away from him, out of Sakura's line of vision. Almost instantly, Sasuke's hand came up, and he dragged me back next to him by the yukata. Sakura glared at the both of us.
"No, Naruto," Ino repeated. "Uchiha."
"Sasuke," I said again, angry now.
"Uchiha?" Ino turned to look questioningly at Sasuke. "Sasuke or Uchiha?"
"Sasuke," I said just as Sasuke said it himself. We stared at each other for a split -second. "It's Sasuke," Sasuke repeated again.
"Well, then," Kakashi said, standing up, "Now that we've established Sasuke's name, we should figure out what to do with..." He waved his hand in the direction of my feet. "That."
"I have a back-up plan," Sakura said, straightening. "I bought it just in case this one didn't look good. And this time, you're going to wear it without ripping it."
I nodded mutely and heaved a sigh. "I'm so sorry, Sakura. I'm just. I'm such a clutz, sometimes, it's not even funny."
"Most certainly cute, though," Ino said standing. She smiled encouragingly at me.
"Good night, then," I said, hugging Sakura back when she came forward and wound her arms around my shoulders.
"Night. Stop feeling so guilty," Sakura whispered in my ear. "And get some rest. If you fall sick and delay my wedding," She pulled back, a pleasant smile on her face, "I'll kill you."
I nodded, trying not to look too scared, and turned around to leave. Sasuke nodded once at Sakura, Kakashi, and the rest of the room's occupants before following me out. "Where did you learn to walk, dead last?" He asked the minute the door had closed.
"Oh, shut up, Uchiha Bastard," I growled.
"I thought it was Sasuke," he asked innocently. I wrinkled my nose at him and turned around, picking up the kimono so that it didn't drag on the floor.
"I thought it was a little too big." I bunched it up higher so that the torn shreds wouldn't drag on the floor.
"You lost too much weight is all, dead last," Sasuke commented, hands now in his pockets.
"I wasn't talking about my appearance, you know." Sasuke made a noise at the back of his throat, and that was the end of that conversation. We walked in silence most of the way, and no matter how hard I searched, I could not think of anything to say.
"I--" I stopped, and then tried again. "So. What's up?" The hairs at the back of my neck stood on end, and when I looked over, I saw that Sasuke was looking at me with narrowed eyes. He didn't answer my question, but just looked away. I watched a muscle in his jaw tighten. "You were fine with me a second ago. What's the matter all of a sudden?" Still no answer. "Perfectly fine to be uncomfortably close with me, but then when it comes to a conversation--"
"Stop flattering yourself," he cut in, his voice cold and cruel.
"Flattering myself? Oh, please, Sasuke. Don't tell me you weren't interested when I tripped and landed on you." I turned to stare at him and when he didn't say anything, stepped close into his space. He was acting as if it were my fault. I was the one trying to mend this perverted acquaintance of ours. And he was--I moved a little closer pushing his jacket aside a little to press a finger into the gap between two buttons of his shirt.
"Naruto--" I looked up at him, considering the pros of goign on. He seemed frozen in shock. Slowly, I pushed in my finger, moving aside fabric until I touched skin. Holding his gaze, I raked a fingernail against his chest and heard his breath hitch. Victory.
"Not interested still?" A step, and then Sasuke was holding me by the collar of the kimono. "Don't think that you can intimidate me, Sasuke. Don't you dare make that kind of an assumption. Not this time." I pried away his fingers from my collar and was about to turn when Sasuke grabbed me again. I could almost feel his anger pulsing in the air now.
"You told me once," he hissed, "Not to assume that you were the kind to let anyone crawl into your bed. I listened. You told me once not to assume that you would bend over backwards to please any idiot. I listened." He lifted me by the collar so that I was standing on my tiptoes and staring directly into his face, eye-to-eye. "Tell me. Which one of these assumptions was right?"
"What I do, when I do it, and who I do it with," I snapped back, holding onto his wrist for balance, "Is none of your goddamn business."
"It becomes my business when it involves me and my family." He bit off each word and ended the sentence with a click of his teeth. His breath was hot and steady against my face.
"So I slept with Kakashi," I began, relishing his flinch. "That has nothing to do with you. You were engaged then, Sasuke. And no matter how little you value that kind of a promise, it means something."
Sasuke sneered at me, and I felt the muscles in my face stiffen. "Oh? Let me guess, there was a promise made when Kakashi fucked you like the whore you are?"
My heart stilled. The anger in my stomach, that hot, hot heat that I had quelled over the last few days came back again, rising like bile in my throat. And against all of that, there was a sadness, too, I realized. A bitter sadness that made my throat tighten and my stomach clench on itself. A week or two ago, I would have wanted to say something, anything to change his opinion. It valued to me then what my standing was in Sasuke's eyes. And now (just a marriage, he'd said.)
I closed my eyes against everything, took in a deep, steadying breath, felt my heartbeat pick up again, felt the muscles in my back strain painfully against the effort, and then when I opened my eyes again, the sneer on Sasuke's face had disappeared. He looked confused, almost. The hardness in his eyes had vanished, and in its place, it had left a small frown. I pried away his fingers, and when I walked away this time, he didn't bother to stop me. It was a long trip back to my room, and when I finally made it, I closed the door behind me and breathed.
I felt filthy, all of a sudden. Wanted to clean myself, scrub myself clean of this place, clean of what had happened and just move on with my life. I felt as I had felt when I was with Zabuza--unclean.
I made my way to my bed and sat down, tired again. Tomorrow was the reception and I would have to stand by my word to Lee and act as his best man. Smile, even. The thought made me want to flinch. I bent over and rested my forehead against the butt of my palm, staring at the brown of the tatami mats.
When the door opened, without looking up, I mumbled, "No cards tonight, Kiba. I'm bone-tired." There was a pause and then the door closed. It was unusual for Kiba to leave without asking me any questions, but maybe it showed in my voice. "Tired," I said out loud and realized the full weight of that word. Realized how heavy, heavy a word it was.
Whore, he'd called me--I swallowed on the anger at that. What right did he have? But then again, I was the one who pushed him to it, with my own stupid, stupid taunts. I'd turned around and burned another bridge, maybe not with Kakashi, but most certainly with Sasuke. But then again, was there anything there to begin with--
"I--" My head snapped up at the voice, and again, my muscles stiffened painfully. Sasuke was at the door, hands in his pockets again, and his face carefully set. I thought about getting up, moving, doing something, but all I could manage was a wave of my hand. "You found your way in," I said, "I'm sure you can find your way out." He was silent for a moment, so I got up and walked over to open the door. "Leave, Sasuke."
When he began to move towards me, I felt a flood of relief, thought even, For once, he's listening to me. I got my hand ready on the shoji door to slide it shut once he left, prepared myself for closing it. But instead, he covered my hand with his and closed the door again. I tried to move my hand away, but he held it still. "I've hurt you."
I looked away from him. "Yes, well. Leave now?" I cranked the door open again, and held it open. For a second, he considered me, and then, with a slight frown, he closed the door again.
"I shouldn't have done that."
I avoided looking at him, stared resolutely at the bed on the other end of the room. His voice was soft enough, though, that I didn't need to look at his face to guess the expression. Tired, that was what I was. I tried to open the door again, but his arm stiffened to keep it closed. Sighing, I gave up and pulled away, moving to sit in a chair instead.
"Say what you have to say and then leave." When I heard him move, I looked up and saw that he was walking towards me. He stopped an arm's length away and stared down at me. I broke our gaze and looked down at my hands. Slowly, I flexed my fingers, marveling at how thin I'd suddenly become. Sasuke could put his hand around my wrist and just snap if he wanted to. It would be easy for him.
"Naruto, I can't believe you're making me do this." Peripherally, I saw his knees bend hesitantly, straighten, bend again more slowly, straighten, and finally bend in one quick movement so that he was crouching and looking up into my face.
"I shouldn't have said that," he repeated. He pressed his lips into a thin, thin line, wrinkled his nose slightly, huffed once, looked away, and then focused his attention back on me before mumbling under his breath, "I'm sorry."
It was endearing, made me want to smile, almost. "You have no right over me to get offended that Kakashi fucked me." He flinched at my word choice. A split-second later, the full weight of my words settled in. His jaw tightened, making his face more angular than ever. He looked cruel in his anger, and it took a lot of effort to keep my face straight and my gaze directed squarely into his eyes. He was silent for a long time, so I added in a whisper, "Leave."
"And go where?" Sasuke's question followed my request so quickly that even he looked surprised at what he had said.
"Your room--" He shook his head, so I tried again, "Your family, your business, your. Your wife, whoever she is. Your heirs. What have you." I felt my anger mount with each word I said. He has no right, I repeated to myself. None.
"I wanted to come here." He was almost whispering it, not looking at me but at the arm of my chair. "To--"
"You don't know what you want, Sasuke," I snapped. "You have no idea what you want."
"You're acting as you know what you want," he hissed. "One minute it's Orochimaru, the next Kakashi, and then what?"
"It was you, you idiot. All I ever wanted." I seethed, bending so that I was closer to him. He didn't move back, did not flinch when I took him by the collar and shook him a little. "All I ever--"
"You said it was disgusting, that idea. With me, you said it was disgusting. With me, but not any of those men," he snapped, pushing himself up so that our faces were close together.
"You were engaged. And you will be again in the future. What do you want me to do?" I wanted to yell at him, but all I could manage was a whisper.
"You could have asked." He said after a moment, searching my face for something.
"Oh, of course. It was always that simple." I pushed him away and saw him steady himself with a hand.
"Yes," he said. "It was."
I scoffed at him. "I was being sarcastic."
"I'm not." He furrowed his eyebrows a little.
"And what am I asking for?" Show him out of the room, end this conversation, a voice was saying, but it couldn't get any worse than this. I massaged the bridge of my nose, attempting to relieve some of the pressure building there. "A quick little screw? Your mercy? What?"
"I don't know, okay," Sasuke seethed, moving away. When I glanced at him, he'd already gotten to his feet. "I just thought--you'd ask."
"Ask for what?" I got to my feet as well, stared at him straight in the eye, heard the loudness of my voice against the silence in the room.
"Something. Anything. Just ask." My thoughts came to a screeching halt. He was pleading. There was something in his eyes, I couldn't pinpoint it, but--"Anything, Naruto. Just ask. I'll give it to you."
I shrugged, resisting the urge to laugh at this situation. He thought he could transaction with my emotions like he did with everything else. My muscles ached, my bones ached, everything in my body ached. I took a deep breath. I love him, and I love you, and I don't know who I love more, Haku had said then.
"I love you, Sasuke. Is there something to ask in that?" My voice cracked and I closed my eyes at the expression on his face. He looked surprised. So he didn't know. He did not pick up on it, so there was no hope here.
He was silent for a long, long time. I felt the seconds tick by. "Leave." He obeyed, moving slowly, almost as if he was drunk. Without saying a word, he opened and closed the door to the room.
Haku had said, I love him, and I can't tell if it's me breathing, but I can't stop. And now, now, I realized, it was me breathing.
End of The Fifteenth
Foot notes:
*Orochimaru's medical explanation: the facts are all correct. Although this fiction is AU, I tried to incorporate as much of the original story as possible--most notably Naruto's red eyes. This was the best medical explanation that I could dig up.
*lede: The leading line of any article in a newspaper. Spelt l-e-d-e to avoid confusion with "lead," the most commonly used ink-base in the 1800s.
*Kakashi's age: Naruto 22. Add fourteen. 22 + 14 36.